


Devouring Time

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-01-24 02:14:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1587911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When one of Erin's close friends dies, she is ready to give up sobriety due to the intense guilt she feels. Will Penelope be able to be the rock that she needs and keep her from falling headlong into oblivion?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Erin tugged at her blouse, feeling awkward and uncomfortable as she stepped into the visitation room. She hadn't planned on spending a Thursday night at a funeral home and then a Friday morning at a funeral. But he was dead. And she was feeling such intense guilt about her own feelings.

After signing the guest book, she got in line to visit with his widow, Patricia. There was no one she knew in the room, and that was both a blessing and a curse. While passing the time in line, she looked at the pictures affixed to green boards. Seeing Ken so happy with his children, his grandchildren, made her heart ache all the more at his untimely passing. And then, she was nearing the casket, could look at his small frame being swallowed by the fabric of the lining, and she struggled to keep from crying. This was not about her, after all, it was about his family.

"Thank you for coming," Patricia said as she hugged Erin softly. Erin couldn't help but return the hug, rubbing her back a few times. "Isn't he handsome, my dear husband?" She reached out her hand and rested it on the edge of the casket as Erin let her own hand drift down her arm to clasp her other hand tightly. "You will be there tomorrow, right?"

Patricia looked at her, her eyes bright with tears, and Erin nodded. "Of course, Patricia."

"Good. Thank you. This is Ken's sister," she replied off-handedly, turning to the next person in line. They made polite small talk for a few moments and then Erin slipped off to look at more pictures, trying to get ahold of her emotions. And then, the cravings hit, hard. Looking around, she caught Patricia's eye and nodded, giving her a soft smile before walking out the door. Getting behind the wheel of her car, she gripped the wheel tightly, breathing in deeply through her nose.

Starting the car, she drove aimlessly for a few minutes, finally coming to a stop in front of loud, gaudy, bar. No one would recognize her here, and she could just claim that she had remained on the path of sobriety. No one needed to know that the intense guilt she was feeling was causing her to seriously rethink eight months sober. Not even her break up with Dave had created this feeling in her, and she just had to make it go away.

She parked in the first open space that she found and quickly made her way inside. Erin went right up to the bar and smiled at the bartender. He nodded at her and, after finishing a few drinks, ambled up to her. "What can I get you, darling?"

She bristled a little at the familiarity, but still smiled back. "I'd like a Pink Lady, please, with an extra twist of grenadine." He nodded and quickly whipped up her drink, handing it over. She picked up the glass and smelt the delicious scent of gin, her mouth watering with desire. Turning around, she scoped out the room, finding an empty booth and sliding in. Erin was just about to take that first sip when she heard a soft gasp.

"Chief Strauss?" Startled, she looked up into the chocolate brown eyes of one very concerned Penelope Garcia. "Is that non-alcoholic?"

Erin shrugged. "I don't think it really matters at this point, Ms. Garcia. Please, have a seat and join me in my debauchery." She put the glass back up to her lips and took that first sip of alcohol, relishing the feel it made pouring down her throat. And then that woman had the gall, the temerity, to knock the glass from her hand, sending it crashing to the floor.

"I'm not going to let you do that to yourself, not after you worked so hard to change your life, to turn things around." Penelope's cheeks were red with anger and Erin found herself mesmerized by the look she was getting, unable to tear her eyes away. "If you won't care about yourself enough not to do this, I will. We're getting out of here."

And then, she was grabbing hold of her wrist and tugging her out of the booth. Erin tried to pull away, but found she had little strength to do so. Bowing her head, she followed meekly after Penelope, feeling her heart shatter a little more. "I just wanted to forget the guilt," she whispered as they approached the other woman's car.

"Well, alcohol won't help with that," she replied tartly, opening the passenger door and strong-arming her inside. "Is your car here?"

"Of course it is, I didn't walk here."

"There's no need to be petulant. I'll have Anderson come and drop it off at my place." Penelope closed the door forcefully and then got behind the wheel, turning it on before rummaging through her purse and pulling out her cellphone. "Hi, Anderson, this is Garcia. I need your help with a little project to be kept solely between us and Gina. I need you to pick up Chief Strauss's car and drop it off at my place. It's in the parking lot of the Dancing Queen. Yes, that bar. No, I don't think that she did know it was that kind of bar. And no, it is not funny. Can you do this for me, please?" She let out a deep sigh of relief. "Thank you. You know where all the spare keys are kept, hers is number twelve."

Hanging up, she thrust the phone and purse at Erin. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Make yourself useful and hold onto them until we get home. Or, you could put the phone in my purse." Erin nodded and slipped the phone inside the purse before turning to look out at the scenery that passed by. The night was alive with stars and she felt the pale light burn her soul. The first sob that tore from her throat was soft, like a whisper, but they grew with intensity as the drive wore on. "We're almost home, Erin."

She nodded absently, not really caring anymore what happened to her. Her cries hadn't lessened by the time Penelope pulled into a tiny parking lot. After stopping the car, she got out and came over to Erin's side and helped her out of the vehicle. Together, they walked up to her apartment, and in that small space of time, Erin became very used to Penelope rubbing her back. The comforting touch did little to assuage her guilt, however, and she struggled to stop crying so hard. "Just…"

"Just what, honey?"

The endearment sounded wrong to her ears, and she turned her head to look at the woman. "I'm no one's honey, not anymore. I gave up that right long ago."

"No one ever gives that up. No one should ever think that they don't deserve to be called pet names. Especially when they're hurting." The door to the apartment opened and they stumbled inside. As the door closed, she broke free of Penelope's embrace and went over to the sofa, curling up in a ball on the end of it.

Erin felt the sofa dip a little as Penelope sat next to her, resting her hand on her knee. "Please, don't touch me. I just want to be left alone with my guilt and sorrow."

"What do you have to be guilty for?" the woman asked gently, not removing her hand. The warmth bled into her skin and Erin relished the feeling, much though she did not want to.

"There is so much in my life…"

"Then begin with the reason why you were going to break your sobriety tonight. I'm not counting that one sip, since I was too slow to slap it from your hand."

Erin was just about to open her mouth when there came a knock at the door. Penelope stood and went outside, apparently to talk to whoever it was. She took a deep breath, wondering how much more the young woman would hate her after she told her why she felt so guilty. But there was no helping it, really. She wanted to know. And Erin knew she had to tell someone, even if that someone was her coworker.

Penelope rejoined her and set her keys on the coffee table, next to their purses. "Anderson parked your car next to mine, so you'll be able to find it tomorrow." Erin nodded and uncurled her body, slipping off her heels. "Now, before you tell me what's up, would you like anything to drink?"

"Water would be nice." Penelope nodded and went into the kitchen. Erin listened to the water turn on and splash into glasses. When the woman returned, she held out a gorgeous cut crystal goblet and Erin couldn't help but smile. "So fancy."

"Yes, well, you can always pretend it's the harder stuff this way."

She nodded and took a sip before clutching the stem. "So, you're going to hate me even more after I tell you this story. I'm not a nice person, but you know that already. I can only imagine the stories that David has told you all about our failed relationship. And what Alex has told you about me."

"Rossi hasn't told us any tales, other than that he wishes things had turned out differently between the two of you." Penelope hesitantly reached out, rubbing her shoulder. "And I tend to drown Alex out. I'm not too fond of her, I'm afraid."

Erin nodded. "So, a good friend lost her husband Monday morning."

"And why would you feel guilty about that? Did you sleep with him or something?"

She laughed a little, a mirthless, bitter, sound and shook her head. "No. We go to the same church, participate in the same small group. And I was the one who tried to persuade Ken to not have the surgery the first time he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was waffling on the decision, since he loved Patricia so, but I told him to do what he thought would be best.

"And he agreed with me, up until he spoke with Pastor Tom. That changed everything. He came to church the following Sunday and told our class that he had decided to have the surgery to remove the lower lobe of his right lung."

"What happened?" she asked softly.

"I can only assume that Pastor Tom and Patricia talked him into having that surgery. He looked so defeated that Sunday, and all I wanted to do was tell him it would be okay if he changed his mind, if he didn't go through with the surgery. Instead, I said nothing."

She drew in a shaky breath and sipped at the water. Her stomach was knotting and cramping painfully and it seemed as if Penelope knew what she was feeling. She slid closer to her on the sofa, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "If you want, you can lean on me while you tell the rest of the story."

"It only gets worse from here on out, though." Erin rested her head on the woman's shoulder, finding herself craving the contact more than the alcohol in that moment. "Ken made it through that surgery okay, but he had a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. His recovery was slow, but the doctors declared him cancer free. It was such a blessing when he announced that in church." She paused once more, taking a deep breath. "And then, two months ago, everything changed."

"The cancer came back, didn't it?"

She nodded. "Yes. It was partially his fault, since he refused to give up his pipe."

"And you never said anything about that, since you had alcohol in your life."

Erin wondered if she had taken some profiling classes, or if she had just picked it up from her teams. "Yes. He knew about my vice, I knew about his, and we covered for each other. I'm sure he wished more than once that he had the strength to do what Morgan and Aaron did for me. Or that I would do something similar. But we were both so damned stubborn and bullheaded."

Once more, tears began to clog her eyes and she realized she had no free hand to wipe them away. Penelope was there, a tissue in her free hand that she used to dab at those damnable tears. "We tend to gravitate to those who are like us."

"I know. And so, once more, I told him to do what he wanted. He was in constant pain, not enough to complain about, he said, but a dull ache in his chest. He would have been happy with pain management and spending the last of his time with his grandchildren and so I encouraged him to take that route. Not Patricia or Pastor Tom, though. They got to him once more and convinced him to have the lung removed. He never made it out of the hospital."

"And what about that makes you feel guilty? You tried to convince a friend to do what was right for him, even if it would hurt his wife. You were thinking about him at a time when they could only focus on her. What's the harm in that?"

"Judging her," she replied softly. "I've been judging her so harshly since he went in for the surgery. Well, her and Pastor Tom, but mainly her. I've been a completely selfish bitch, blaming everything on her, when she just wanted the man she loved to get better. She honestly thought that this would cure him."

"Did you tell her that you felt this way?"

"No, which makes it worse. I was just silently condemning her in my heart. I would never tell her how I felt, since it would hurt her so, and she doesn't need that on top of what she's going through."

"That does not make you a horrible person, Erin. We all judge people based on our life experiences. And it sounds like Ken was a good friend of yours. I know that I've judged you based on how you treated my friends up until your stint in rehab. And yeah, I did treat you differently. I'm ashamed that I did so, since you seem like a more complex person than I ever took you for. I only saw you as a caricature, not as a real person."

Erin looked up into Penelope's eyes, and saw no condemnation there, like she'd expected. Instead, there was just a gentle concern that tore at her heart. "But I feel awful, Penelope. I shouldn't have been so judgmental. I should have supported her in her hour of need. That makes me a horrible person."

"Oh, Sugar Plum, no, it doesn't. A horrible person would not feel guilt about their judgment. The fact that you do means you have a tender heart buried in that chest of yours and by feeling so strongly, you just make that heart all the more tender."

Again, with the pet names, Erin thought as she closed her eyes, unable to look at the sweet caring any longer. "Ken's funeral is tomorrow. I promised Patricia that I would go."

"Then it is a good thing I stopped you from getting blitzed. You'd be no good at the funeral hung over, and you know that, Sugar Plum." And then, Penelope leaned forward and kissed her gently. It was the furthest thing from a sexual kiss and Erin relished how tender it was. "I'm going with you, to make sure nothing else causes you to want to tumble off the wagon headlong into oblivion. You mean too much to too many people to let that happen."

Erin nodded slowly, willing herself to let Penelope take control. She'd been in control for so long, that it felt good to lay that burden down. "I suppose that means you're going to keep me here overnight?"

"You read my mind. I hope you had supper already, though, since I ate before I went to the bar. Did you know what kind of establishment you stepped into this evening?"

She shook her head, curling back up into the sofa. "No. Why?"

"It's one of the higher class gay bars in Quantico."

"Oh." Erin paused a beat, trying to work out what she was implying. "Oh. Are you? I thought you were with Mr. Lynch again. Did I hear that wrong?"

Penelope giggled a little. "I swing both ways. Double the pleasure, double the fun, you know. But it's been years since I was with a woman. I just haven't found the right one yet. And Kevin, well, we tried round two, but I should have just left it alone." Erin nodded, trying to understand everything she was learning.

"I go to a really liberal church. We have a few gay families that go there." She had officially crossed over into the babbling portion of their conversation, and Penelope smiled crookedly at her.

"And that just proves you are an incredibly sweet woman at heart."

"I'm hell on heels, Penelope."

"And the devil wears Prada. Your point?" She shrugged. "So, you don't have clothes for bed or for tomorrow, so we're going to have to make something work from my closet." Penelope got up and tugged her to her feet, leading her over to the bedroom closet. "You'll want something dark, which limits us somewhat. Here's my funeral dress." She pulled out a prim looking black dress and set it on the bed. "Now, as for you, you're what, a size four?"

"Six, actually."

"All right, which means my current size fourteen shape is totally wrong for you. Well, I do have this navy dress, let's try it on and see what I can do with a decorative pin." Erin nodded and reached out her hand for the dress. "Just strip, Sugar Plum. You don't have anything that I don't have."

Her cheeks flushed as she looked around nervously. "Could I at least step behind your screen?"

Penelope nodded and she let out a relieved breath. Stepping behind the silk screen, she quickly stripped and then reached her hand over the top for the dress. Pulling it on over her head, she found it to be a nice length, even if it was large on her. "Are you ready to step out, Erin?"

"Yes." Coming out, she stood before Penelope, looking at the floor. "Do you think you can make this work?"

"I love fashion almost as much as I love hacking. This will be no problem." She held out a large jewelry box. "Now, is there anything here that catches your eye?"

Erin opened the box and looked at the assortment of pins. Instantly, her gaze was drawn to a long Celtic knot design pin. It was a soft silver color and as she picked it up, she could feel the heft that it had. "Would this work all right? It's so heavy. I wouldn't want to tear the fabric."

"This shouldn't be too heavy. Hand it over and then turn around." Erin did so and felt Penelope's hands pull the fabric of the dress tight against her body.

"Not that tight, Penelope. I need to look funeral apropos." The dress loosened a little and she nodded. Going over to the mirror, she saw that it looked fine from the front. Turning, she looked at her side and craned her neck to see her back. Vaguely, she could make out how Penelope had folded the fabric, making it look elegant. "This is perfect. Thank you."

"Well, I do have to make you look perfect, since I shanghaied you tonight. Now, let's get you out of this and into a nightie." Erin felt the dress loosen around her as Penelope removed the pin and then unzipped the dress. She gasped a little when Penelope unclasped her bra, too. "Don't worry, I'm not going to ravish you. It's just as easy for me to undo it while I'm so close. Now, I'm thinking you prefer pink or blush. Am I right?"

She nodded, not really sure what to say in response. Holding the neckline of the dress against her chest, she turned and watched the other woman dig through her dresser. It only took a moment for her to pull out two nightgowns, handing a light pink one to her. Erin stepped behind the screen once more and stepped out of the dress, placing it over the screen along with her bra, and pulling on the nightgown. Like the dress, the nightie was large on her frame, but short, barely longer than her fingertips. "Am I taking the sofa?" she asked softly as she rejoined Penelope in the room proper.

"No, you can take the bed. I'll be fine on the couch." Penelope's smile was sunny and Erin found herself smiling back. "Now, in the bathroom, you'll find a fresh toothbrush and feel free to use any of my toiletries."

Erin nodded and followed her over to the other door, stepping inside the bathroom. She quickly peed and then washed her hands before brushing her teeth and washing her makeup off her face. When she came out, Penelope was setting a blanket on the sofa and she looked up at her, smiling. "So, I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I need to put today from my mind."

"All right. What time do we need to get up tomorrow?"

"The funeral is at eleven, and I would like to be there by half past ten. I'm not too sure how many people will be there, since it is a weekday." Erin felt tears prickle her eyes once more and Penelope came up to her side, reaching out for her hand. "I'm going to be fine."

"In time." She squeezed her hand lightly before going back to the sofa. "I'll set the alarm for six, so we both can take a shower."

"Thank you." Erin turned to the bed and climbed in, pulling the covers up around her shoulders as she snuggled into the soft mattress. The lights came down and she willed herself to sleep, to not focus on her guilt. It seemed useless and as she tried to pray, she began to sob once more, wishing Alan or Dave were with her, holding her, comforting her.

She wasn't surprised to feel the bed dip minutes later, or to find Penelope's arm around her waist, holding her close. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Yes," she whispered, not turning around to face the woman. "Please, stay."

"I'm right here." Erin gave into her sobs once more, letting Penelope rub her stomach softly. The gentle touches lulled her to sleep finally, and she welcomed the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning came much too quickly, and an annoyingly chipper alarm pulled Erin from her slumber. Reaching out, she tried to hit the snooze button on her clock, but her hand met soft, giving, flesh instead. Her eyes flew open as the events of yesterday came rushing back to her.

"Mmm, good morning, Erin. Do you want to shower first?" Penelope asked as she stretched.

"I suppose I could. If you wouldn't mind running down to my car and grabbing my go bag from the trunk. While I don't have funeral clothes there, I do have fresh panties." Penelope nodded and then leaned over, pecking her cheek seemingly without thinking.

As the woman left the room, Erin stood and went into the bathroom. She stripped quickly, and turned the shower on, stepping under the warm stream. Moaning with pleasure, she washed her body using the products Penelope had. It was a relaxing time spent under the water and she began to feel much more in control than last night.

Knowing that she had to save some hot water for the other woman, she reluctantly turned the shower off and shook the excess water from her body before getting out of the shower. She saw that Penelope had laid out her bra and panties along with a robe. Erin smiled as she pulled on her underwear and then the robe, stepping out of the bathroom and joining Penelope in the living room. "Are you finished in there?"

"For the moment. I thought we could eat breakfast before getting ready. I wouldn't want to spill on your dress." The other woman nodded and picked up a bundle of clothes from the coffee table.

"I'll see you in a little bit, Sugar Plum." She winked at Erin before sashaying off, and Erin felt her heart jump a little. Deciding that the best way to distract herself and be useful was to make breakfast, she went into the kitchen and began to look through the cupboards and refrigerator. There wasn't much there, but she could make it work.

It didn't take long for her to have a good breakfast going, and she listened for Penelope to come and join her. Soon, padding feet were coming up behind her and she turned to look at her. She was also dressed in a bathrobe, a gentle smile on her face. "I have the bacon and toast warming in the oven. Is there anything else that you'd like?"

"Not that I can think of. Sit down, so that I can serve you. It's the least I can do after you made breakfast." Erin sat and watched Penelope flit about the room, plating up their food. Once more, she found it so easy to let Penelope take control, take the lead, and she sighed. "What is it?"

"I'm letting you take care of me. I don't normally just cast all my burdens on someone else. I am thoroughly content being self-sufficient."

"And that hasn't gotten you very far, has it? Not to be rude, Sugar Plum, but you had a pretty big drinking problem and couldn't ask for help from anyone."

Erin nodded, even though she was a little hurt by the words she spoke. Penelope seemed to notice the tiny shift in her mood and reached out for her hand, squeezing it gently. "Being a lone wolf has become sort of easy over the years. Alan gave up on our marriage once our third child was born, and my body changed. I didn't go back to the perfect size two I was before."

"You wouldn't look good as a two. I'm sorry, but you look great right now as a six." Penelope smiled shyly at her and she nodded, not sure how to reply. They finished eating and she helped Penelope with the dishes before going into the living room. "Would you like me to do your nails or anything before we go? I notice you don't really wear nail polish, but…"

"That might be nice. Nothing too loud, though." Penelope nodded and disappeared into her room, bringing out an entire makeup kit. "I thought you were just going to do my nails."

"Well, since I'm already giving you a manicure, I might as well do the whole package." Her smile was sweet and Erin found herself nodding, despite feeling overwhelmed by her kindness. "Now, I know you prefer pastels, and I'm going to try and keep that the same, since you don't want a drastic change at a funeral." Penelope sat down next to her, her leg touching Erin's.

She nodded a little, wondering if she was up for something like this. "Thank you, Penelope."

"You're welcome. Now, turn a little and face me." Erin did as told, looking at the woman. There was only sweet concern in her eyes, as if the only thing she wanted in the world was to make her feel better. She closed her eyes, willing herself to relax. "Now, tell me a little more about Patricia. Does she have any children?"

"Yes, she and Ken had two children of their own, a boy and a girl. Ken also had two children, both girls, from a previous marriage. There was some tension there, I understand, and they really only have contact with their son, Erik."

"How sad. Do you think that this will bring them closer to each other?"

"I hope so. God, I miss my children." She felt Penelope's hand still on her face before cupping her cheek, running her thumb back and forth. "Alan got custody, of course, since my job and my addiction make me an unfit parent. Ken and Patricia knew how much that broke my heart, and they tried to comfort me."

"Then they have been wonderful friends to you, Erin." She felt Penelope's breath wash over her and instinctively puckered her lips, welcoming the kiss. The kiss lingered sweetly, and she let her hand come to rest on Penelope's hip. "Now, let's get you into that dress."

She nodded and followed Penelope into the bedroom. Picking up the dress, Erin stepped behind the screen once more, slipping the robe off her shoulders and stepping into the dress. She came out and stood before Penelope, her heart beating a strange tattoo in her chest. "I'm ready for you to work your magic on me," she whispered, not meeting her eyes.

"Only if you're sure," she replied as she stepped behind her and quickly folded the fabric as she had last night. After affixing the pin, she let her hand linger on the small of her back, and Erin relished the warmth it provided. "I'm going to get ready and then put our lipstick on." She nodded as Penelope hugged her from behind.

She didn't feel comfortable staying with Penelope as she changed, so she went out to the living room, pulling her phone out of her purse and checking her email. There was nothing important, and she sighed as she put it away. She had been hoping to see something from David, but knew that he was busy what with working on his latest book along with work. "When will I ever learn?" she murmured as she looked at her nails. Penelope had chosen a pale pink color that complimented the navy dress.

"Learn what, Sugar Plum?"

"Anything. I've been a fool for so many years." Penelope pursed her lips as she looked at Erin, sitting down next to her.

"We're all fools at some point in our lives, Erin." She reached out and clasped her hand, rubbing her thumb along the back of it. "So, I assume there's going to be a luncheon after the funeral. Were you planning on staying for that?"

"I would like to, if you have the time."

"Hotch gave me the day off, so we're good there. But where's your head and heart at? Do you need a friend to spend the rest of the weekend with you?" That sweet concern was back in her voice and Erin looked up at her.

"My heart hurts and I'm confused. But you do not want to spend a weekend babysitting me."

"Maybe I do." The shy smile on Penelope's face grew a little, and Erin found her own face turn up in a soft smile. "So, what do you say? After the funeral, we could stop at the grocery store and pick up some ice cream and other junk food and have a total girl's weekend."

She sighed, somehow knowing that this was a losing battle. "Fine." Penelope nodded and then pulled out a tube of lipstick. "What color did you pick out for me?"

"Santorini. It's a little pinker than you normally wear, but I think it will be perfect." She nodded and let Penelope apply the lipstick. Looking up at the clock, she saw that it was ten o'clock already and gasped slightly. "I know, it's getting a little late. Just let me put on my own lipstick and then we can head out."

Erin nodded and sat back on the sofa. Taking a deep breath, she tried to relax, but felt the anxiousness creep back into her body. Cravings filled her once more and she clasped her hands tightly over her stomach so that she wouldn't bite her nails. Penelope noticed and put away her lipstick, standing up and holding her hand out. Erin accepted it, standing as well. "It's now or never."

"Yes, it is." Penelope squeezed the hand she held, leading her out of the apartment. On the way downstairs, they didn't let go of each other's hands, and Erin was beginning to grow accustomed to how wonderful it felt to have a friend who cared. "You're going to be fine, Erin. I promise."

She nodded as they got in the car. Erin gave careful directions to the church, feeling her stomach churn and clench more and more the closer they got. At one point, Penelope reached out and squeezed her hand, as if she knew what she was feeling. She was grateful for the contact, since it grounded her a little, relaxing the knots a tiny bit.

The parking lot of her church was barely half full, and this upset her immensely. Ken had been well liked, and while she hadn't expected everyone to show up, she had thought there would be a better representation of the church there. Penelope parked beneath one of the few shade trees that lined the outer edge of the parking lot and she got out of the car, not waiting for her friend. It didn't matter, though, since she caught up to her quickly, grabbing hold of her hand as they walked into the church.

Erin had seen many funerals inside her church, but this one was different, so different. Ken's coffin looked out of place sitting in the narthex and she looked around for Patricia. Their eyes met across the room, and Erin shivered a little at the raw grief present in her gaze. "Remember, you love her. A friend wouldn't keep their judgment silent if they didn't love the other person," Penelope whispered in her ear and she nodded absently.

It took everything in her to approach Patricia. Penelope stayed by her side, something she was grateful for, and she reached out for the other woman's hand. Patricia surprised her by once more hugging her tightly, instead, and she returned the embrace, letting the woman sob on her shoulder. "I miss him, Erin."

"I know you do, Patricia. And that's okay." The woman nodded against her shoulder and Erin rubbed her back softly, giving her time to regain control.

It took her granddaughter, Molly, to break them apart. "Gramma, Mr. Pedersen said it's time to meet for prayer." They both looked down at the four year old, and Patricia sighed deeply.

"I'll see you at the luncheon?" Erin nodded. "Good."

She watched them go down the hall before turning to Penelope. "I suppose it's time we find a seat." Penelope just bobbed her head once before grabbing her hand once more. An usher handed them the leaflet as they sat in the middle of the sanctuary. They sat in the middle of the pew and she looked over the leaflet to see that they were singing two hymns during the service. Mary was playing softly, and Erin hummed along with the songs she knew, her breath catching at 'Be Still My Soul'. Penelope reached over and picked up her hand, threading their fingers together.

"I'm right here, Erin," she murmured as she rubbed her thumb softly against the back of her hand. She nodded hesitantly, latching onto the motions as a way to focus herself on something other than what was happening. A few minutes passed and then she heard the sound of wheels coming down the center aisle. This caused her to start crying once more, and Penelope scooted closer to her, leaving the barest hint of space between them.

She tried to stay strong as Patricia and the rest of the family filed up the aisle, but it was just too much. She turned her face into Penelope's shoulder, letting the other woman dig a tissue out of her purse and wipe her face clean of tears and mascara. The service began and after a short prayer from Pastor Martin, they stood and sang the first hymn, 'Amazing Grace'. Somehow, she made it through all five verses, her voice catching and breaking at spots.

They sat after the hymn and this time, she was the one who latched onto Penelope's hand, needing the contact. Her mind raced to find some balance while Patricia's nephew spoke, and then Patricia's family got up and sang. It was gorgeous, but tinged with sorrow, and Erin keenly felt their sadness. Before Pastor Martin came up to give the sermon, Patricia's brother led them in the final song, 'Precious Lord, Take My Hand'. This time, she couldn't make it through the song, and Penelope gently rubbed her back as the hymn finished.

The sermon passed by her in a blur, and then the pall bearers were carrying the casket out. She couldn't meet Alan's eyes, though she knew he looked over at her as he went down the aisle, but she knew he wondered at who was by her side. Things had remained so awkward between them after the divorce and her stint in rehab.

Once the family was out the doors, an usher from the funeral home began to let them out by pew. When he got to them, she stood and led Penelope out by the hand. In the narthex, she brought Penelope over to an out of the way alcove and watched as the others trooped across the street to the cemetery. "Are you going over to the graveside service?"

"I don't think that I can, Penelope." Her heart ached to not be over there with Patricia, though, and Penelope seemed to pick up on her indecision and she gently guided Erin to follow after the others, ensconcing her in the group as they crossed the street and made their way to the open, waiting, grave. The yawning hole made her dizzy and she staggered a little, letting her friend steady her.

Patricia glanced up from her chair and they locked eyes once more. Erin nodded, and a tiny, sad, smile flickered across the woman's face as she reached out for her son's hand. Pastor Martin said a short speech once everyone had gathered as carnations were passed out to those gathered. When the bunch came to her, she pulled out a blood red one before passing the rest on.

Penelope clasped her hand as they approached the casket, and Erin shuddered a little as she rested the flower on top. Penelope followed her lead and when they turned to head back to the church for the luncheon, she found herself bumping into Patricia. "I, I didn't want to go back with my family. Would you mind if I hid out with you and your friend for a little bit?"

"Of course you can, Sugar. I'm Penelope Garcia, by the way."

Patricia extended her hand. "Patricia Higgins." Penelope shook her hand gently before Patricia pulled it away to hold on to Erin's free hand. "I think I'm to blame, Erin. I talked Pastor Martin into telling Ken he should have the second surgery. I knew he didn't want it." Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks and Erin felt hers well up in response.

As they walked, she found herself being led into one of the quiet groves in the land that surrounded the church. They took a seat on the stone bench underneath the large oak tree and Patricia nestled closely to her. They were silent, Erin absently rubbing her arm as Patricia sniffled at times. After a few minutes, Molly came around to find them, sitting at her grandmother's feet. "Do you want me to get you anything to eat?" she asked sweetly, smiling up at them.

"That would be nice, sweetheart. Have your mother make up plates for the three of us, okay?" Molly nodded and stood up, kissing Patricia's cheek before running off into the church. "I haven't been able to eat much since Ken went into the hospital."

"I don't blame you. When Alan left me, I couldn't eat for weeks. I know it's not the same, Patti, but in some small way, I understand." It was the closest she could come to admitting her guilt, but Patricia took no notice of the regret in her voice, instead she rested her head on Erin's shoulder, sighing deeply.

"I knew you would, Erin. You're the only one who would." The words were whispered so softly that Erin had to strain to hear her. "I think I'm not going to small group for a month or so. You all are my best friends, and yet…"

"You want to be alone." Penelope's voice was soft and full of sadness. "When my parents passed, I felt much the same way. Be careful that you don't let it carry on for too long. You begin to lose perspective really fast. You're lucky that you have a tight-knit group of friends who want to be there for you."

Erin squeezed Penelope's hand and smiled a little when she felt the woman squeeze back. "Your parents?"

"Yeah. Eighteen is never a good age to lose your foundation. Everyone was leaving for the start of their lives, and there was no one left to help me pick up the pieces." Erin encircled her arm around Penelope's waist and drew her closer. A few minutes later, Molly and her mother joined them. Erica was carrying a tray containing plates of food and coffee, and she smiled gently as she took a seat on the ground in front of them, not spilling a single drop.

"Molly said you needed food, Mom. We miss you in there." She handed around the plates and Erin focused on the food. It was typical Baptist funeral fare, and she dug into the baked beans, knowing that Earla had made them from scratch.

"I needed some time with just Erin, and her friend. She doesn't make me talk. Erica, tell Eric that I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Not being in there. It is selfish of me."

"Mom, you need to do whatever will help you heal." Erica set her hand on Patricia's knee. "I'm going to take Molly inside now and leave you three be."

After they'd left, Erin sighed, picking at her food. From the corner of her eye, she watched Patricia do much the same with hers. "I miss smelling the smoke of his pipe. I hated that damned thing, it gave him that horrid disease, and yet, I miss it so much."

"The little things are what hurt the most," Erin replied. They finished eating in silence and then she gathered up all of their plates, setting them on the ground beneath the bench. Then she slid onto the grass and stared up into the sky, watching the clouds drift by. "I still smell Alan in the closet, when I pull out a shirt I haven't worn in some time. It's starting to sting a little less." She closed her eyes and let the tears flow down her face.

She felt someone join her and instinctively cuddled close to the warm body next to her. "I'm going to bring our plates inside, Erin. I'll see you Sunday?"

Opening her eyes, she looked up at Patricia. "I'll be here. I love you."

"I love you, too." The woman moved off, heading for the church. Erin turned her head to look at Penelope, taking in the way she watched her.

"I think Patricia thinks we're more than friends."

"I think we may have been giving off signals that would tell her it was true." Erin sighed. "Look, I…" Penelope cut her words off with a soft kiss and she smiled against the woman's lips.

"I know. You're not certain if you're into women. I move quickly. You're grieving. I can help with that and keep you sober." Penelope reached up and ran her thumb along her cheekbone. "Just, give us a chance?"

Erin rested her head on Penelope's shoulder as she thought about where her life was headed. If she did decide to be with Penelope, there would be a lot of raised eyebrows, from Alan, to her children, to Dave, to the rest of Penelope's team. And a relationship would open herself up to vulnerabilities that she had had a hard time working through with Dave. And yet the hope that shone in Penelope's eyes prodded her to agree with the woman. "A chance, huh?"

"Just one, tiny, insignificant, chance. Like that ABBA song, you know? We can go dancing, walking, whatever, we just have to take that small leap into the unknown." The smile on her lips sent Erin's heart thumping in her chest as she found herself nodding.

"Yes, I'll take a chance on us." Erin had to look away from Penelope at that moment, feeling so very exposed. "I have just one thing to ask of you, though. Dave and I fell right into a physical relationship. I've had several casual sex relationships in my youth. I'm fifty, now, and I want something a little different this go round. Do you mind waiting for that?"

She held her breath, almost certain that this would be a deal-breaker for the other woman. And then she felt those soft lips caressing her forehead. "I do not mind at all, Erin." She helped her to sit up and they stared at each other for the longest time. Finally Erin sighed and stood, holding her hand out to Penelope. Hand in hand, they walked out to the car and she settled back into the passenger seat, content to listen to Penelope chatter on.


	3. Chapter 3

Monday morning, Erin woke up late. She had stayed at Patricia's house far too long the previous evening, and her sleep was haunted with dreams that bordered on full-fledged nightmares. Stretching, she tried to shake off the lingering tentacles of sleep before padding into the bathroom.

Penelope was already there, brushing her hair. "Good morning, Erin. I called to let Helen know you would be a little late this morning. How did your evening go?"

"We talked. Well, she talked and I listened." Erin blushed a little as she sat on the bathroom counter, looking at Penelope. "She kissed me."

"Friends kiss each other all the time, lambkin," Penelope answered, smiling sweetly at her. "It was more than that, though, wasn't it?"

Erin nodded as she picked up her brush, running it through her hair. "I know she's grieving, and I don't want to push her away. But I don't want her to end up feeling embarrassed by something she did out of that grief, you know?"

She nodded, reaching out to cup her cheek. Erin nuzzled her face into that touch, wanting the comfort she knew Penelope would offer. "I wouldn't mind if you did comfort her, though. We're not set in stone, yet. Especially after you and Rossi split so suddenly. I don't want to rush you into something that you are unsure about."

Erin took a deep breath, looking up at Penelope. "I think I am sure of this, Penelope. You saved me." It hurt to be so open and raw with the woman, but it also felt so good. Like her heart had finally found a perch to rest on, someplace she could be safe from life's storms.

"Then will you mind if I kiss you again? I've found that I rather like your kisses." She nodded and watched Penelope lift her lips to cover hers. The kiss was sweet and lovely, like Patricia's, and she brought her arms up around Penelope's neck to hold her close.

"Penelope…" Her voice drifted off as she stared into the woman's brown eyes. "I should probably shower now," she said after a few moments. She nodded before wrapping her arms around Erin's waist, holding her tight. "How can you read me so easily?"

"I just know how to read people, lambkin." Another soft kiss was pressed to her lips and Erin sighed a little when they broke apart. "Why don't we head out to the park after work today and go for a nice, long, walk."

"That sounds wonderful." Erin smiled as she slipped the straps of her nightgown off her shoulders, letting it pool around her feet. Catching Penelope's eye in the mirror, she watched the woman blush a little before she scurried from the room. She stepped into the shower and turned the water on, letting it wash over her. She hadn't been so bold with David, it had taken her time to be open and free. And yet, there was something about Penelope that called to her more carnal nature. Sighing a little, she washed her body, wondering what it would be like to have Penelope's hands run up and down her body, holding on to her breasts, tugging at her nipples. Moaning lightly, she ran her hand down to her core and gently fingered herself, once more picturing Penelope in place of her hand.

She came with a low moan and slipped her fingers out to wash them off. Her orgasm seemed only to cause her to be even more keyed up and as she washed her body, she wished that she could just pounce on Penelope and screw her senseless. Which was ridiculous, she was a grown woman who could control her emotions. Sighing, she turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, quickly drying her body off and dressing in the clothes that Penelope had laid out for her. Erin's eyes widened as the implications of that thought grew in her mind.

She hesitated to head outside, wondering how she could face the woman. A soft scratching on the door caught her attention and she blushed as she took a deep breath, pulling the door open and stepping out into the bedroom. "I almost thought you had drown in there for a moment, honey. Or were you a little preoccupied?"

"I'm sorry," she said lowly, staring at the floor.

"Oh, there is nothing to be sorry for, Erin. And now I know the sweet sounds you make when you orgasm. I rather like knowing that about you." Penelope cupped her chin to lift her face and look into her eyes. "Did you think of me or Patricia as your fingers slid in and out of your body? Or were you playing with your breasts, tugging on your nipples and imagining it was both of us, suckling you until you came?"

Erin felt her knees buckle a little at the dirty words that were dropping from Penelope's lips like pearls. It amazed her how quickly she became wet once more, as new images crashed together in her brain. "That's not fair," she whimpered as she grabbed hold of Penelope's hand and brought it to her breast. "You can't talk to me like that and expect me not to want you. And we have to get to work."

"Um, I know a place where we can sneak away at work for lunch. If you trust me. If you want me."

The low purr of Penelope's voice almost caused her to orgasm once more, and she staggered forward against her before capturing Penelope's lips in a bruising kiss. Her hand reached up to cup the back of her head, bringing her even closer as the kiss lingered on. As Penelope dug her hands into Erin's skirt, she let her free hand snake beneath Penelope's blouse to squeeze her breast, relishing the way it felt in her hand.

That seemed to be the catalyst to make Penelope pull away, and they were both breathing heavily as they stared at each other. "We were made to devour each other, Erin," she gasped out as she righted her blouse.

"Weren't we, though? I've never burned like this before, Penelope, and it worries me, even with as much as it makes me burn. I suppose that we should head out to work now?"

Penelope lazily nodded before smoothing the wrinkles out of Erin's skirt, taking care to run her hand over her ass as she did so. Erin squirmed a little, giving Penelope a soft glare before grabbing hold of her hand and tugging her over to the door. "My day is going to be spent thinking of you. If I don't sneak away to the bathroom and jill off before we lunch."

"Don't." Erin found it so easy to be commanding in that moment and she smiled wickedly at her shocked look. "If you get off before I join you for lunch, I will not let you touch me for days. I want you to be a good girl for me. Do you think that you can do that?"

There was no hint of warmth in her voice, but Penelope smiled all the same at her as she nodded. "Oh, Erin, you are going to be the death of me yet."

"Oh, devouring time, blunt thou the lion's paw," she whispered, enjoying Penelope's confused look. "Look that up whilst you're waiting for me to join you this afternoon. At least with your mind occupied, you won't be able to think about more carnal pleasures."

"Yes, Erin." The quiet acquiescence caused her smile to widen, and she wondered how long they could play at these roles. "I'm going to be a good girl for you. I'll be so good that you'll have to tease me to be bad. But first, one more kiss." Penelope leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on Erin's cheek, and she smiled as she let her shoulders relax, taking hold of Penelope's hand and tugging her out into the kitchen.

"I don't think there's time enough for food before we leave," Erin said wistfully as she glanced at the clock on the oven.

"I can run down to the commissary and grab something for you, once we get to the office. After all, I wouldn't want you to waste away before our little tryst." She nodded and Penelope grinned impishly as she picked up their purses and then led her over to the door. "Oh, and I'm going to be spending the night with you tonight. I have my go bag at work, and can just follow you home."

"All right," Erin responded softly, tightening her grip on Penelope's hand. "I'll have you know, though, that I've lived alone for about three years now. I take my side of the bed out of the middle."

A soft laugh bubbled up out of Penelope as she locked her door. "Sugar, I've lived alone since I was twenty. I think I have a few more years on you there." Gently, she shook her hand loose from Erin's before wrapping her arm around her waist and holding her close. "And if you take up the middle of the bed, I'll just have to spoon up around you. I love being the big spoon."

Erin shivered a little at the whispered words, and bit back her groan as the woman's tongue snaked out to trace the shell of her ear. "That's good to know," she murmured, letting her own hand creep up Penelope's side to cup her breast as they stepped into the elevator. "You know, it's a good thing that I don't know anyone in your building. It allows me to be free."

"Umm, I love that you feel free like this." Erin felt her cheeks flush as she sighed a little, letting her thumb rub small circles against Penelope's breast, loving the way the woman squirmed next to her. "Though if you keep this up, I'll turn the elevator off and have us be late to work. We don't have any cameras in here."

"I don't think my knees could handle that, Penelope. I need a little more padding."

"Well, here's hoping that your bedroom has really plush carpeting, Erin."

She hummed in agreement, knowing that she would have to quit this line of thinking or be unable to concentrate the rest of the day. Her cellphone rang and she let out a soft breath of relief. Pulling it out, she saw that it was Patricia, and she answered quickly. "Hello?"

"Hi, Erin. I, I was hoping that I would catch you before you got to work today. Um, did you want to have lunch with me today? I feel like I should explain what happened last night." There was real hesitancy in her voice, and Erin sighed as all desire fled her body. Penelope slid her hand up to rest on her shoulder, concern filling her eyes the longer Erin was silent. "Erin? Are you still there?"

"I am, Patricia. I would love to have lunch with you, but I've already made lunch plans with Penelope. Would you mind taking a rain check?" She bit her lip a little as she awaited her friend's response, hoping that she wouldn't think that Erin was just blowing her off. "I should be free on Wednesday, if that would work for you."

"No, I'm going to St. Louis tomorrow, to visit Ken's family who couldn't make it up for the funeral. I, I'm not sure how long I'll be down there, and I wanted to connect with you one more time before the trip."

There was a certain forlornness that colored Patricia's words, and Erin found herself tearing up as she looked at Penelope. "Can you give me one second?"

"Of course."

Erin pulled the phone away from her ear and covered the microphone so that Patricia couldn't hear the conversation she was about to have with Penelope. "I hate to do this to you, Penny, but Patricia's going away tomorrow, and she wants to lunch."

"Say no more, I'll just have to be an even better girl for you, as long as you promise to relieve me when you get home tonight. Because I will be making a house key during my lunch break and letting myself in to wait for you." Then Penelope leaned in and claimed her lips in a tender kiss. "Tell her you'll see her at noon, Erin. I can wait."

She nodded and put the phone back up to her ear. "All right, we've switched things around. I can meet you at Palo around noon?"

"All right. Thank you, Erin, and tell Penelope thanks, too. I know it's hard to change a date, I remember how upset Ken used to get when I would have to change plans at the last minute." Patricia sighed lightly. "I'll see you later today then."

"Okay." They hung up without saying goodbye, and Erin sagged a little against the back of the elevator, even as they arrived at the ground floor. "I suppose that we have to get moving here. Thank you for not being disappointed in me."

Penelope smiled brilliantly at her before taking hold of her hand and leading them out to their cars. "We haven't known each other this way long enough yet to be disappointed in each other. And, this will give me more to plan how I'm going to pounce on you at work."

Erin laughed a little as she unlocked her car and tossed her purse in the passenger seat. "I may have heard a little birdie say that there are no cameras in the records room, down in the basement."

"Oh, you are just as wicked as I am, Erin," she replied before coming up to her and pulling her close once more. "And I am going to love exploring this side of you," she said with a husky tone that went straight to Erin's seat of pleasure. She knew that Penelope was going to kiss her in that moment, and she closed her eyes, leaning forward into her lips. This kiss showed her another facet of Penelope, as it was sweet and giving, telling Erin what she could expect in a relationship with her.

"And I think I'm going to love exploring your softer side." Erin pecked at her lips once more before starting to get into her car. "Oh, and I really like bagels and peanut butter. And honey."

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind, Erin." Penelope winked at her before going over to her car. Waving to Erin, she took off, letting Erin follow her. It was better this way, since it allowed her to fall back and ruminate a little on where her life was headed.

"I think that I could fall in love with either woman," she murmured as she muted the radio. Erin had always been more able to think in silence, when she could talk aloud to herself. "I know that I love Patricia like a sister, but I think that those feelings could change. But what I feel for Penelope is so electrifying. And I need to have a change in my life, I've been stuck in a rut for so long."

She stopped for a red light and sighed, rubbing her cheek absently. She wished that, in this one instance, her heart wasn't so fickle in regards to love. And yet, she had so few examples of it in her life to guide her along. Just Alan and David, if she was honest with herself. And Alex, once, long ago. Shaking her head, she took off from the light and finished the drive to work in contemplative silence.

"Ms. Garcia is waiting for you in your office, ma'am," were the first words from her assistant's mouth as she entered her office, her mind still a million miles away. "She said something about you asking her to bring by breakfast?"

"Yes, I did ask that of her, Helen. There's no need to worry." She smiled sweetly at Helen before disappearing behind her office door. "How did you manage to beat me and get breakfast?"

"Um, because you drive like a turtle. Did you get stuck in traffic or something?" she teased, holding out a cup. "I got you Earl Grey tea, with a spot of honey. Take a sip and sit behind your desk while I get your bagel ready."

Erin nodded and sipped at the brew, groaning a little as the flavor touched her tongue. "This is the perfect morning wakeup, Penelope." The woman arched her eyebrow as she smiled, giving her a small nod. Erin cocked her head to one side as she watched Penelope pull out two bagels, setting them on plates before picking up packets of peanut butter and honey, spreading the butter out before drizzling the honey over the whole thing.

"Here, let me know if this also hits the spot," she said as she took a seat on the edge of Erin's desk, picking up her own bagel and taking a dainty bite of it, licking her lips to remove any traces of the sticky honey. Again, the small gesture was enough to make Erin squirm, and tore her eyes away from Penelope to focus on her own food.

She ate quickly, never looking back at Penelope, knowing that if she were to do so, she'd be lost, and she really needed to focus on her work and her meeting with Patricia. "Thank you, Penelope. This was a perfect breakfast," she said lowly as she wiped her fingers on a napkin before throwing everything in the trash.

"You are most welcome, Erin." The sultry words had her looking up at Penelope, and she watched the playful smile the curved her lips up. "Here, you missed a spot of honey." The younger woman leaned in and lapped at the corner of her lips. She couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her throat, and Penelope used the opening to slide her tongue along Erin's lips and then inside her mouth. Erin gave herself over to this kiss, not wanting to lose this experience.

"Umm, I think that you should go, honey, before we lose control."

"If you say so, Erin." The desire that darkened Penelope's eyes called to her, and she wished that they weren't at work, that she could feel free enough to tug her into the bathroom and let her fuck her senseless in one of the stalls. "I'll need to get your key before I go, though. It wouldn't look seemly if I were to return at lunch and ask Helen for it."

"Yes, right, the key," she babbled, trying to think the most unsexy thoughts she could find in her memory bank. Pulling away from Penelope, she dug through her purse until she came to her key ring, pulling the correct key off the ring and handing it to her. "I, I'll see you at home tonight."

"I will hold you to that. Enjoy your lunch with Patricia."

"I'll try." Erin leaned back in her chair, watching Penelope leave and fighting the urge to slip her hand beneath her skirt to tease her clitoris and give herself a quick orgasm. It wouldn't be fair to Penelope if she got off when she had asked her to wait until tonight, after all. Sighing, she turned to her computer and booted it up before digging through her inbox to see if there were any pressing matters that she had to take care of that morning. Maybe work would be just the distraction she needed.


End file.
